On giving attention...

Today I felt like I was a great mum. Yes. "Great". Honestly. Something I rarely, if ever, feel. Why? Because I spent all day with just one of my three children. It wasn’t purely one-on-one attention. I volunteered to help out on a school trip. But wow. What a difference. My middle daughter was a joy to be around. I was a joy to be around. Sure, I couldn’t (and don’t generally) shout at my kids when surrounded by others – I save that for the pure overwhelming exasperation I feel when left on my own with all three - but it wasn’t just that. I felt calm. She was calm. There was no need to shout. I was actually fun to be around! It felt great. And then I felt depressed. I got to thinking about why I couldn’t be this way when all three are there. And I realised that when they are, in my mind, they become a unit. They are just ‘the kids’ – something to be marshalled through the late afternoon and evening by ticking various boxes: supper (not too unhealthy/varied (ie not what we had yesterday)/not too complicated; wash (without soaking the entire bathroom with various bath toys/water pistols/splashing); bedtime story (not too long/appeals to 2, 4 and 6 year old, male and female audience/not too taxing read). The “unit” is in a battle with “time”; more time spent on getting the “unit” into bed = less time I have as a conscious human being before conking out due to exhaustion. I need time to myself and therefore it becomes supremely precious. Therefore I lose sight of who each of them truly is. They are no longer gorgeous little people in their own right. They are a mass of bickering, violent, loud energy determined to encroach upon my allocated (but gradually shrinking) right to the evening.

And that sucks. I realised how much it sucks tonight. When I tried to spend some quality time with the others having spent all day with one and they started fighting about how fair / unfair it was that I was colouring in with one and not the other. It also suddenly dawned on me why they often talk about how worried they are about death. When my eldest first voiced her concerns, I was so touched that I lay down in bed with her for 5 or so minutes, soothing her fears and holding her close. The others soon clocked on that this was the only way mummy actually spends time with you, so they then started up. It makes me so sad that I can’t give them the time they crave with me purely because there is more than one of them. But at the same time it made me see that so much of me feeling like a bad mother is because I am simply overwhelmed by their power as a unit. They become more than the total of their parts. I can feel myself ‘hunkering down’ in order to ‘deal’ with them and get through the evening until I have a scrap of time left to myself.

Well, I don’t want to do that anymore. Today I thought that my middle child should have been born first. She was meant to be an only child. She needs that much attention. And then I thought that actually ALL children probably feel like that. I know that I did. Their requirements for love are boundless. And then I realised that that is her path in life. She was born second because that is what she needs to learn. And I have three because giving each of them the attention and affection they deserve is what I need to learn.

I have no idea how to do that yet but at least I know it’s what I need to work on. And for now, it will just mean signing up to helping out on more school trips!

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Artwork: 'Casting the Net' by Joyce Huntington

On healing wounds...

I hate wounds. I hate having to deal with my own shit. It feels so hard. To delve deep into what is really behind your dissatisfaction, your anger, your sadness, your frustration. Right now, I am currently dealing with two sides of the same thing: the need for space and the need for people. Both co-exist in me and yet fight within me. It is doing my head in.

With three small kids aged 6 and under constantly needing me to wipe their bums, look at their latest cartwheel, listen to their reading, help them make a paper aeroplane, assist them in learning to tie a shoe lace, watch them cycle with one hand, witness their first drawing, I am constantly in demand. And usually all three want me at the same time. The minute I decide I will try to be 'present' and spend some quality time with one of them, the others start fighting or disturbing the 'chosen one' so that it all ends in fighting and me screaming.

So I crave time to myself. Peace. Quiet. A breath. In and out. Shoulders dropping. Chest opening. A time when I am no longer 'responsible' for someone else, for their safety, their behaviour, the person they might become if I let them continue in this vein without punishment or correction. Why? Because to try and be in control of all of these balls (not to mention the housework, the provision of healthy, home-cooked meals, my own career path, my businesses and self-care) = OVERWHELM. Sometimes I can cope and feel very grateful for my life and my beautiful, healthy children and sometimes I feel I have made one huge mistake: that I am not cut out to be a mother. It was all a big mistake. I should just quit whilst I am 'ahead' and confess I am actually really bad at all of this.

But on the rare occasions when I do get the time to myself, I crave being with my kids, their exuberance, their life force because I get panicked by the very silence that I craved. The endless time stretching out ahead of me. It's almost as though I am so unused to it that when it is there, I no longer know how to be in it. So I swing from one extreme to another: desperate for time alone, and then rudderless and scared when I have it.

I know that these are both a need for me to find the comfort I need from within. But it just feels so hard. I can't do it right now. I can't yet be the person who both notices the pattern and soothes the inner child who is panicked. For now, it will have to do just to notice it. To watch as I fall into the familiar pattern of self-criticism, berating myself for wanting not to have kids, wishing I was one of those single people that could do whatever they want whenever they want; observing as I fill my time with needless, small tasks when I finally do have time to myself, desperate to fill the void that suddenly feels too huge for me to occupy.

So for now, I am just going to sit with this feeling of being shit. I don't like it. But I don't yet have the strength or wisdom to heal this wound. Instead I opted for quite a lot of white wine, pasta and lashings of garlic (no idea why but garlic seems to provides bottomless comfort) followed by one (OK, two) chocolate brownies and some more chocolate on top of that. Plus a good cry and a soul session with my ever-committed partner. And that is ok. Because healing takes time. And you can't force it. And if any of you are struggling right now, I am here with you - feeling the pain to release it. After all, if you notice your pattern, then that means you are more than half way to letting it go. It's not great to admit defeat but it's all I can do. And that's ok. Here's to being in spiritual limbo.....

Art by Christian Schloe

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words to inspire...

These are my “inspiration rocks”. Kind of like emoticons but of the natural variety. I picked them from the bottom of a freezing river bed in January and decorated them with words to inspire and motivate me. Every day, or when I remember, I pick one that feels right for that moment and leave it on my desk where I can see it. And somehow it seems to work! I find its presence both comforting as well as motivating. Perhaps that’s because it is a rock from a riverbed and therefore symbolises both earth and water elements?

Traditionally, rocks represent the element of earth. This is ultimately grounding: it reminds us of our connection to everything, that we are all one, it reminds us of our physical form but also of the wisdom within us and of those that came before us. Water is an altogether different element. It is ultimately calming: it is about the emotions, cleansing, ease, flow, about taking the path of least resistance. So these rocks represent both elements to me and of course the word I drew onto them.

And today’s word? It’s FOCUS. Because at the moment I feel full of creative energy but this needs to be channeled in the right way. In general, I’m more of a detail rather than a big picture person. And because I’m also a Virgo and want to do everything perfectly I often end up overwhelmed by detail and go round and round in circles rather than forwards. So today it’s about focusing on the big picture strategy and dissecting it from there. Baby steps in the right direction rather than a scatter gun approach that achieves not very much.

If you could pick one of these stones today, which would you choose and why? Or better still, are you motivated to create your own?

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On speaking your truth...

It’s been a full on couple of days. Not only was it the last few days of the school holidays (which somehow made it harder for me to accept not having any time to myself rather than easier - as though I was so close to the finishing line that I just couldn’t hold my frustration in any longer) but I have also been called upon more than once to speak my truth. I have had to stand up to what I believe rather than cave in to the desire to attenuate myself in order to be appreciated. I have had to speak my truth, regardless of the potential consequences. It has been terrifying. Why? Because it is part of the patriarchal dynamic in which we live that women must stay small in order to be accepted. Society frowns upon women that are “too much”: too loud, too big, too tall, too outspoken, too beautiful, too confident, too happy even. The result is that many women, including myself on occasions, feel that their empowerment hurts others; that by being ourselves we risk losing the admiration, love and respect of others. That it is best that we hide our power in order not to risk being seen as too much. So in order to fit in, not make a fuss, we silence ourselves, act small, tow the party line, pretend to others we are feeling something we are not just to make the uncomfortable feelings that are lurking underneath go away.

But this is counterproductive. Because not only does trying to fit in when it is inauthentic cause yet more ‘negative’ feelings: anger, grief, disappointment, resentfulness; it also merely serves to perpetuate our smallness. And reinforce the belief in others that they too must remain small.

So on more than one occasion last week, I ignored the temptation to be small, to 'emotionally caretake' others’ potential triggers and to make it all ok by denying what I actually felt. It has not been easy.

Before and after, I have felt out on a limb, isolated, hurtful even. But deep down, I KNOW it was the right thing to do. So I have been doing a lot of inner parenting to help me through: I have had to remind myself over and over that I am not in charge of others’ reactions to me, I cannot force them to understand, I cannot be liked and loved by everyone all the time. That I am ok, that I can do this, and that by sticking to my values and expressing my feelings authentically and respectfully, I am also paving the way for others to do the same. And this is the key: that by summoning the courage of my inner Warrior to help me speak my truth with the compassion and centeredness of my inner Buddha and showing others that it can be done without falling apart, I am hopefully demonstrating that there IS another way to being a woman in a patriarchal society, that we CAN indeed own our power and be authentic. And that with this comes an immense sense of true freedom, far greater than the fleeting contentment that comes from being accepted.

Have you ever struggled to own your power, to take the path of authenticity over acceptance? If so, I’d love to hear how. Please share your comments below!

Artwork: 'Between Two Worlds' by Vian Sora

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On practising 'presence'...

Most spiritual books and gurus, tell us that we need to focus more on the NOW. To get out of our minds and the potential worries and anxieties it can so easily fabricate about the future (which usually never materialise anyway), and to not spend too long dwelling in the past unless it is "to feel to release" a particular energy that has become stuck in an uncomfortable episode. I have three kids under 6 - all born within three and a half years - so I unwillingly spend a lot of my time in the NOW. Mainly dealing with their requests, hunger, arguments, laundry, spillages, punch-ups, breakages, bum-wiping or generally trying not to lose one whilst out and about. I don't love spending my time doing this. I am not a 'natural' caregiver. Frustration levels start very low at the beginning of the day but quickly mount with each new request as my own needs (mainly just for silence for one minute) get more and more ignored.

I don't intend to bank every frustration and let it all mount until I explode, offloading it disproportionately onto one of them and I definitely try to remember that they are just 'being kids' and to allow them that precious freedom to do 'silly' things even though that might mean a ton more washing / chores for me. Nevertheless it is very hard not to see the day through ever-darkening, brown-tinted glasses, especially during the school holidays, when you are on constant, almost 24 hour call with little to no respite.

So it came as a welcome distraction this morning to read an email from Christine Kane on how to nurture your inner creativity. One of the suggestions was to write a Love List. This resonated with me much more than a Gratitude Journal because it seemed so much more immediate. It is great to tap into your gratitude on a regular basis - and it is something we do as a family from time to time which is very sweet (mostly the kids are grateful for their soft toys) but I usually end up feeling like I need to be grateful for big, general things like my health, a roof over my head, food on the table etc and it doesn't always feel very PERSONAL. In fact, I hate to admit it, but it almost becomes just another 'chore'. A Love List however - now that felt different. A list of all the things that bring you happiness? Yes please! So I immediately tried it out starting with the things that had inspired joy in me that morning. And guess what? There were quite a few. That I had forgotten. Or at least buried under the poor-me-I'm-such-a-victim-for-having-to-deal-with-continuous-crap-stuff. And writing them out made me feel happy, NOW. Rather than frustrated, NOW. It allowed me to switch the brown-tinted glasses for rose-tinted ones even if only just for a moment (kids weren't around : )...)

So today's post is about seeing if you too can switch glasses. If only for today. And see how it makes you feel. And if it feels good, try it again! After all, like so many things that are good for you, it takes practise to implement on a regular basis. But if it helps you stay in the NOW and that NOW becomes HAPPY, then what's not to like?!

Here are my two lists side-by-side....

Former brown-tinted, frustration bank input (before noon): - 2 year old insisting (read 'tantrum') on filling own cereal bowl to the very brim despite warnings that whatever went in would need to be eaten by him. He didn't. I shouted (8.15am?). He did. Under duress. - 2 and 4 year old trying to 'tickle' my feet whilst I attempt to do some pilates exercises - 2, 4 and 6 year old not wearing shoes outside despite previous threats that no-one would ever be allowed out ever again if they come back in with black-soled, mud-encrusted (usually formerly white) socks on that then need hand-, pre-washing and soaking before the laundry - 2 and 4 year old then putting shoes on outside (with new socks) and KEEPING them on inside thereby leaving a sticky, wed, mud trail from the back door all the way to the bathroom on the beige (rented) carpet - being told by watch repairer that my "luxury brand" watch (that 6 year old borrowed and trod on) is not repairable and must be returned to manufacturer (by hand, in London) which will cost at least a couple of hundred of pounds. - 2, 4 and 6 year old covering the trampoline with water from buckets and thereby soaking themselves and their clothes in water and mud - 2 and 4 year old then 'washing' their feet in the bathroom sink whilst covering themselves in thick layers of liquid soap

Current, rose-tinted, Love List input (before noon): - watching 2 and 4 year olds break into spontaneous dancing and laughter to a busker in the middle of the high street - seeing the 2, 4 and 6 year old delight in the selection of library books on a stand near the parking permit queue (7 people long = over half an hour wait) and taking themselves off to read them - observing passerby's faces lighting up with joy as the 2 year old greeted and waved at most of the people he walked past with a huge grin - the children's delight at their 2 minute interaction with the postman and their pride in pointing him out to me as their 'new friend'.

So, the last list wasn't quite as long but the effect it had on me was much longer lasting. I even started to smile as I re-wrote it. So thank you, Christine Kane for the inspiration. I am going to try and do this every evening and maybe get the kids to do it too. A new family ritual : )

ADDENDUM: rose tinted glasses lasted until 7.45. Then fell off spectacularly and smashed on the floor. So I tried. I'm a human mother not a robot one. Tomorrow is another (relentless, no school) day. And I will try to get through with a second page of my Love List....

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