On self-care...

For as long as I can remember I have always taken on a lot. I like challenges. I thrive on achievement. I have many different roles which I just about manage to multi-task my way through on a daily basis. I secretly pride myself on it. And until recently, my high energy levels and sheer determination always got me through: “I have no ‘off button’” I would joke. I confused self-care with being selfish (see earlier post). I thought that if I could identify and express my emotional needs and sometimes even ask that they be met, that was my self care in the bag. My body however had other ideas. How wrong I was.

Last week, for the third time in three months, I found myself bed-bound with flu. I hate being bed-bound. I hate not doing anything. I hate feeling guilty about not doing anything. So for me to be bed-bound was a big deal. And each time the illness that triggered it affected me more severely and for longer: whatever message I was meant to be getting, I clearly wasn’t listening.

I have a slight fear of time: rather than see it expand around me, I constantly feel it tightening its grip. There is always a battle in my head between the list of things I would like to get done and the ever-shrinking amount of time left in which to do them. This provokes a kind of semi-permanent, adrenalin-fuelled, low-level panic which makes it impossible to be present, let alone enjoy it. And whilst I didn’t feel it until recently, obviously this was exhausting; continuously raised adrenals were taking their toll on my body. It had had enough. What it was trying to tell me through forcing me to rest and what I was failing to get, is that busy achievement mode was no longer serving me.

So at first I thought I would de-clutter my diary. And that helped. A bit. But I still felt manic about the remaining stuff in there and the everyday chores that never feature. Which is when the penny dropped: that it is not so much about the number of commitments you schedule but about the way in which you respond to them.

So my self-care challenge is now this: to try to approach everything I do and each role I have in life, regardless of how much or how little is in the diary, WITH EASE. To surrender to the moment as though time is no issue. To get done what I can and to screw the rest. To trust that I am still acceptable even when I am not achieving. To stop resisting rest.

It is not going to be easy but I am determined to model what I preach. To let the Warrior in me take a well-earned backseat and to follow the lead of my Buddha. As Emma Derman Teitel wrote “to rest is a radical act of dissent from the collective devotion to speed.” So here’s to being radical! Who’s going to join me?

Do you feel the constant need to achieve? Do you resist rest? What might self care look like to you? Please share your thoughts in the comments below so that we can all find inspiration from each other!

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On being selfish...

I’ve been reflecting recently on the notion of selfishness and why it is such a negative one. Because to be described as selfish – someone who is “concerned only with their own personal profit or pleasure” – is not something most people would wish for. Instead we aspire to be selfless, kind, compassionate, empathetic. We are taught from a young age that caring for others and about other’s feelings is the right thing to do. After all, isn’t mastering our selfish passions and instincts in order to become a social, caring and reasonable person the mark of a ‘civilised’ person? But in the struggle to become selfless we can take this mastery too far. Our wild hearts can become so used to being silenced by our rational heads and we can become so well trained at denying ourselves our emotional wants and needs that we can end up forgetting that they even exist. We can become automatons that actually believe we are “fine” even when there is no-one else to prove it to.

The pursuit of selflessness is not the only reason our emotional needs are ignored, it may also be because it can be deeply vulnerable to expose them. We may believe that some are unacceptable. Either because they don’t fit with one of the many masks we choose to show others or because they aren’t part of the family rulebook we have inherited. By asking to have them met we therefore run the risk of becoming disowned or disrespected by either our peers or the wider cultural collective. So they stay hidden by shame and fear.

One of my greatest personal challenges is in acknowledging my need to rest and to just be. Mainly because a very dominant part of me thinks that those needs shouldn’t even exist. I am strong! I don’t need to rest! Too much to do! Too much to achieve! So I keep going, setting myself endless long-term goals and short-term challenges to perpetuate the high state of adrenalin that has become so much of a habit that not to feel it is not only totally unfamiliar but also deeply uncomfortable.

But in the rare moments of stillness when I do take a moment to pause, I hear my inner voice. I see that they exist and know that sometimes, they need to be met. I can suspend my judgement of them and forgive myself for needing more. I can ask that they be met. And that takes both vulnerability (Buddha) and courage (Warrior).

How often do I do this? Not enough. I should do it MUCH more. Because the great thing is, that if we do acknowledge, accept and ask that our emotional needs be met, when we are courageous enough to risk being seen as selfish, this becomes an act of compassion to ourselves and the foundation on which our empathy for others can grow. Because if we don’t know what are our own needs are, we can’t truly respect another’s. We can’t be truly selfless and put aside our own desires without first having acknowledged what they are.

So the irony is that sometimes, being selfish becomes an act of selflessness and then, we all reap the benefits. We personally can feel the freedom and release that comes from expressing our authentic selves, we can divert the energy required to keep it hidden into more positive, creative outlets and we also allow others permission to do the same.

Are there particular areas of your life in which you struggle to ask for help? Which kinds of emotional needs do you find it unacceptable to express? I would love to hear what they are. Please comment below so that we can practise being selfish together!

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On women and their mothers...

The “mother wound”. It’s kind of taboo to even write that let alone admit that it resonates. Because the bond between a woman and her mother is often considered sacrosanct – too important to be interfered with. But it is precisely because it is so important that it must be interfered with. Or at least looked at, to see whether it is allowing both parties to live lives according to their fullest potential or whether it is holding both parties back in an unconscious contract that requires them to hide their light and act ‘small’ to fit in or be accepted by each other. I have been exploring this concept having come across the amazing work of Bethany Webster who has made the mother wound the core part of her offering. It is both fascinating and challenging work which I hope to learn more about soon by following her online course. As a mother myself, I want to make sure that I can clear as much generational baggage as I can so that my children are in the best position they can be to become authentic, happy people. I believe this is the cornerstone to all female innerwork.

Generational baggage is even stronger for women because it is passed on physically as well as through the usual unconscious patterns of behaviour we inherit as children learning to navigate the world. It always amazes me when I reflect that I was already present in my grandmother’s womb. Yes, physically! As women we are born with a fully functioning set of ovaries and all the eggs we will ever produce throughout our lives. Thus I was already fully immersed into the matriarchal line as an egg in my mother’s womb as my grandmother was pregnant with her. Crazy, eh?!

And where does the wound come from? In a nutshell, historically women and feminine energies in both men and women have been oppressed. This has traditionally caused women to segregate and compete for available resources. The degree to which our female ancestors felt “less than” has dictated the depth of the wound that is unconsciously passed on through the generations. There is no blame in this because they simply did not have the tools to release the trauma this created. We do.

As part of a larger female collective awakening we are in a unique position to use our feminine energies and means of connection: movement, song, touch as well as meditation and reflection to clear this baggage. But it must start with the very difficult admission that on some level there IS a wound: our mothers may not have been there for us in all the ways we wanted her to be. Probably because they simply couldn’t be.

This acknowledgement alone allows us to free up the energy that was spent trying to fill the void in unconstructive ways – either through addictions, inappropriate relationships or work – and begin to give ourselves what we felt was lacking. Through parenting ourselves, we are free to become our authentic selves. We can begin to live our lives according to our own, unique set of beliefs rather than according to a book of beliefs we were handed as children by our parents, our culture, society as a whole.

This is necessary work. Because without a healthy relationship to our female ancestral line (however independent and modern we think we are!) we cannot have a healthy relationship to ourselves or to our children. We are the generation who can take an honest look at our inherited beliefs and take unprecedented steps to clear generational baggage by rejecting those that do not truly belong to us.

I therefore challenge you to ask yourself the following questions: Are you carrying negative stories passed down from before that are not truly yours to pass on? Are you caretaking inherited beliefs that do not actually resonate with your authentic self? Is the bond with your mother one that allows you both to flourish?

This is deep and scary work that goes to the core of how we see ourselves. But it is exciting too because it is liberating. It requires courage. I’m going to summon my Warrior to dive in – will you?

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On feeling to release...

I had a realisation this week: when something I’ve known for ages actually sank in; when my “knowing” finally became “getting”. And it went like this: that when we feel sad or angry and don’t let it out, the energy behind that emotional pain doesn’t go away. It either comes out in an embarrassing torrent when you least expect it or causes illness. Last week was the perfect example of the latter. Deep down I felt vulnerable and exposed but on the surface I felt angry and sad. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time like a toddler having a tantrum. So did I let that energy out in a controlled way? Or feel into it to release it? Of course I didn’t! I was busy doing other things. Being busy! I had recognised how I felt and put it to one side. Surely that was enough? My mind (the masculine side) thought so. The emotions had been observed, the issue had been analyzed. It was then shelved in the background of my consciousness with a whole bunch of other painful experiences that I didn’t want to explore. Sound familiar?

This system of “dealing” with things can work just fine until the mental self-storage unit gets a bit full. When it starts to bulge at the sides and the energy required to keep the door locked is no longer equal to the energy of the pain being kept in check. And then one of two things can happen. You could get triggered by something minor: you are made to wait for what seems like hours before being connected to someone in a call centre who then says you have called the wrong number or your kids refuse to even taste a meal you spent ages preparing – the lock snaps and instead of feeling a little put out, you feel OUTRAGED! Your anger and grief know no bounds! You react in a way that is totally disproportionate to the trigger. And then you are surprised by your lack of control! When what this outburst actually shows is just how much control you had exerted in order to keep your emotions in check. What an effort! No wonder most of us are always exhausted!

Alternatively, the energy turns inwards. And instead of causing a meltdown it creates a stress-related illness. Symptoms (or dis-ease) occur in the body that show you are no longer balanced and at ease. This is what happened to me last week. And because I have spent most of my life relying on my mind to deal with things instead of my body (the feminine side) alongside my mind, I couldn’t understand why I was suffering again. But when I dug deep for the potential cause, I remembered. I finally “got” what I had known for so long.

So how can we prevent either scenario? Well, we can give ourselves PERMISSION to PAUSE. We can allow ourselves to take a break from being busy so that we can look at how we are feeling in any one moment. We can check-in with our minds and see what emotions are present, and we can check-in with our bodies and see what tensions we are holding (in our jaws, our necks, our shoulders). We can channel our Buddha: the calm, serene part of ourselves that doesn’t get caught up in things but has the power to observe and see what is really going on underneath. And then we can summon our Warrior: the brave, fearless part of ourselves that is ready to leap into the emotion and allow it to come through: Cry! Shout! Hit a cushion! Dance! Roll around! Breathe! Anything to allow the energy to flow out. You’d be amazed at how good it feels...

This is what I’m going to practise next time I feel overwhelmed. I dare you to join me....

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