On acceptance...

Today was my younger daughter’s Nativity play. This is her first year at school and she turned four only the week before term started so she is still little. Only the first two years of the school perform a nativity play and it is considered one of the highlights of the calendar. Not for her. And as a result, not for me. Whilst very gregarious at any other time, when told to “perform”, she freezes. Not just out of shyness (her explanation) but also I think because of the sheer weight of expectation being placed on her little shoulders. Since performances began at nursery – concerts, singalongs, plays – we have been the only parents waving and giving the thumbs up encouraging her to join in, grinning demonically in order to get her to copy but to no avail. We are greeted with a sulky bottom lip, a glare and a frown. Other parents usually think it is funny. Not me. So to avoid this today, I thought I would entice her with the idea of a meal out – a treat to celebrate her saying her one line out loud and joining in with the others. I thought I’d nailed it – she was excited about the two theoretical balls of strawberry ice cream that would materialise for pudding. But no. Sadly, today was no exception. I will add the photos of one silent, sulking angel surrounded by a host of beatific ones to the family album.

At first I felt angry. That this should have happened, again, despite my incentive. I’d failed. And I also felt embarrassed. Why my child when all the others seemed to be in their element on stage, giggling and showing off for their proud parents? But then I realised my reaction was far more about my awkwardness than about her: I was ashamed that my child had stood out for the wrong reasons; I was resentful that my proud parent moment had been snatched. So I channelled my inner empath and put on a “I’m so proud of you” face. After all, parenting is no different to most other walks of life: you fake it until you feel it. She was happy and so was I.

When I got home, I read the latest email sent from Bethany Webster on Welcoming the Divine Child Within You. Serendipidously (of course), the very first paragraph struck a chord: “There is power and nourishment in simply being and resting. This is what healthy bonding looks like between a mom and her child: to be welcomed, to be cherished not for what we do and what we produce, but by fully being who we are, in all our complexity... Often the most powerful need of all is to have your existence seen as good; to be welcomed and honoured as you are.” It resonated so deeply because it revealed that I had just felt the opposite: by being angry at my daughter for not fitting in, I was telling her it was not ok to be who she is. I was offering only conditional love: for what I wanted her to do instead of cherishing her for who she was. I felt very humbled.

This lesson can of course be applied to us all: there are parts to each of us that either we or others feel do not conform. To the current demands of our society, our culture, our upbringing or to our own impossibly high standards. But these parts need to be loved equally along with those that do fit in, not judged and pushed out. If we can accept ourselves and others IN ALL OUR COMPLEXITY we allow ourselves the freedom to flourish. From that, flows the energy and happiness that comes from being truly authentic. That may not create the perfect school nativity cast but it will allow for a magnificent diversity of thriving personalities.

As for my daughter, her next challenge (and therefore mine) will be class assembly, performed in front of the whole school and parents. I have decided that I will let go of any expectations: I will be in the background smiling whether she delivers or not; accepting her for whoever she decides to be on that day. And in the meantime, I’m off to organise those two balls of strawberry ice cream....

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On self-care...

For as long as I can remember I have always taken on a lot. I like challenges. I thrive on achievement. I have many different roles which I just about manage to multi-task my way through on a daily basis. I secretly pride myself on it. And until recently, my high energy levels and sheer determination always got me through: “I have no ‘off button’” I would joke. I confused self-care with being selfish (see earlier post). I thought that if I could identify and express my emotional needs and sometimes even ask that they be met, that was my self care in the bag. My body however had other ideas. How wrong I was.

Last week, for the third time in three months, I found myself bed-bound with flu. I hate being bed-bound. I hate not doing anything. I hate feeling guilty about not doing anything. So for me to be bed-bound was a big deal. And each time the illness that triggered it affected me more severely and for longer: whatever message I was meant to be getting, I clearly wasn’t listening.

I have a slight fear of time: rather than see it expand around me, I constantly feel it tightening its grip. There is always a battle in my head between the list of things I would like to get done and the ever-shrinking amount of time left in which to do them. This provokes a kind of semi-permanent, adrenalin-fuelled, low-level panic which makes it impossible to be present, let alone enjoy it. And whilst I didn’t feel it until recently, obviously this was exhausting; continuously raised adrenals were taking their toll on my body. It had had enough. What it was trying to tell me through forcing me to rest and what I was failing to get, is that busy achievement mode was no longer serving me.

So at first I thought I would de-clutter my diary. And that helped. A bit. But I still felt manic about the remaining stuff in there and the everyday chores that never feature. Which is when the penny dropped: that it is not so much about the number of commitments you schedule but about the way in which you respond to them.

So my self-care challenge is now this: to try to approach everything I do and each role I have in life, regardless of how much or how little is in the diary, WITH EASE. To surrender to the moment as though time is no issue. To get done what I can and to screw the rest. To trust that I am still acceptable even when I am not achieving. To stop resisting rest.

It is not going to be easy but I am determined to model what I preach. To let the Warrior in me take a well-earned backseat and to follow the lead of my Buddha. As Emma Derman Teitel wrote “to rest is a radical act of dissent from the collective devotion to speed.” So here’s to being radical! Who’s going to join me?

Do you feel the constant need to achieve? Do you resist rest? What might self care look like to you? Please share your thoughts in the comments below so that we can all find inspiration from each other!

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The 'second' sex?

Lying in my sick bed, I just listened to a recent recording of a discussion on Simone de Beauvoir, the intellectual, philosopher and feminist's life and works. Touching on topics as varied as existentialism, the patriarchy, how motherhood is not a feminine given and that we are as "natural" at it as men are paternal, menstruation and bodily functions, The Second Sex - the book that launched her career (I was going to put "seminal" but that is completely inappropriate given the subject matter) is now firmly on my Xmas list. It is both depressing (in that not that much has changed since) but also inspiring that there have always been great, strong, outspoken women such as this pioneering a redefinition of our role in society.

Have a listen to the podcast and let me know what you think?

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On being selfish...

I’ve been reflecting recently on the notion of selfishness and why it is such a negative one. Because to be described as selfish – someone who is “concerned only with their own personal profit or pleasure” – is not something most people would wish for. Instead we aspire to be selfless, kind, compassionate, empathetic. We are taught from a young age that caring for others and about other’s feelings is the right thing to do. After all, isn’t mastering our selfish passions and instincts in order to become a social, caring and reasonable person the mark of a ‘civilised’ person? But in the struggle to become selfless we can take this mastery too far. Our wild hearts can become so used to being silenced by our rational heads and we can become so well trained at denying ourselves our emotional wants and needs that we can end up forgetting that they even exist. We can become automatons that actually believe we are “fine” even when there is no-one else to prove it to.

The pursuit of selflessness is not the only reason our emotional needs are ignored, it may also be because it can be deeply vulnerable to expose them. We may believe that some are unacceptable. Either because they don’t fit with one of the many masks we choose to show others or because they aren’t part of the family rulebook we have inherited. By asking to have them met we therefore run the risk of becoming disowned or disrespected by either our peers or the wider cultural collective. So they stay hidden by shame and fear.

One of my greatest personal challenges is in acknowledging my need to rest and to just be. Mainly because a very dominant part of me thinks that those needs shouldn’t even exist. I am strong! I don’t need to rest! Too much to do! Too much to achieve! So I keep going, setting myself endless long-term goals and short-term challenges to perpetuate the high state of adrenalin that has become so much of a habit that not to feel it is not only totally unfamiliar but also deeply uncomfortable.

But in the rare moments of stillness when I do take a moment to pause, I hear my inner voice. I see that they exist and know that sometimes, they need to be met. I can suspend my judgement of them and forgive myself for needing more. I can ask that they be met. And that takes both vulnerability (Buddha) and courage (Warrior).

How often do I do this? Not enough. I should do it MUCH more. Because the great thing is, that if we do acknowledge, accept and ask that our emotional needs be met, when we are courageous enough to risk being seen as selfish, this becomes an act of compassion to ourselves and the foundation on which our empathy for others can grow. Because if we don’t know what are our own needs are, we can’t truly respect another’s. We can’t be truly selfless and put aside our own desires without first having acknowledged what they are.

So the irony is that sometimes, being selfish becomes an act of selflessness and then, we all reap the benefits. We personally can feel the freedom and release that comes from expressing our authentic selves, we can divert the energy required to keep it hidden into more positive, creative outlets and we also allow others permission to do the same.

Are there particular areas of your life in which you struggle to ask for help? Which kinds of emotional needs do you find it unacceptable to express? I would love to hear what they are. Please comment below so that we can practise being selfish together!

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a call to action...

I think I love this woman... 

I got serious goosebumps listening to it. For me, this is just so inspiring - a woman who is not afraid to shake things up, not afraid to speak her truth, who calls on us to rise up and "resist" the status quo. And yet her message is also about purifying the heart, love and finding our divine soul purpose. If we can do that and become the "passionate freethinking adults" she is calling us to become, then, as she says, we not only become "difficult to manipulate" but also "impossible to control".

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